CJBXZ

It’s about time for some CJBXZ #Real_Talk. This is where I bust out the juicy-juicy and talk about why I’m fucked up. I share the wrongs I’ve committed with the world in hopes that once I get them out there I can start working on myself in order to achieve improvement and self growth.

This semester I’ve been taking a class on Interpersonal Communication, which is really just a fancy name for “Romantic Relationships 101 (or Why You Keep Fucking Up).” Yesterday’s talk was a focus on love styles, how you behave in a relationship and possible reasons as to why. One influential aspect was unrequited love. Unrequited love situations occur when one individual pursues another’s affections and the feelings are not returned.

“Hey Tabitha, do you think we could ever be more than friends”
“Oh…um….You’re great and all…BUT…”
::awkward::

I get myself into these situations quite often. (note: i’ve never asked a girl if we could ever be more than friends.) I become infatuated with a girl and yet the situation goes nowhere. Either the girl will reject my (traditionally weak) advances, or I just don’t make any real attempt and thus the situation goes nowhere. I tend to like very attractive women, and if single, chances are they won’t be for very long. Eventually the girl will be wooed by another. This is a pretty big bummer and quite frustrating… and happens more than I would like. This repetition over time, I believe, has caused a bitterness within me. Anger and upset stirred mainly by the idea of a woman that the person would choose some other guy over me. Most of the time it’s a guy I don’t like or can’t stand or just can’t relate to in any way and their very nature repulses me because of inadequacies within myself. Other times, I feel I can safely admit that the guys these women go for are complete boneheads who just hunt after vagina again and again aggressively and with no remorse. I look at the two of them and I think, “wow. any girl who would want to be with that guy is not a person I would want to in my life anyways.” This of course has little to do with the quality of either individual and much more to do with my own mind and image of self.

Which then brings me to my own love style. There are three overall love styles, as defined by the course:
-Eros: physical, sexual, passionate love. excitement. novelty. a lot of new relationships have erotic love and fall into this category. not a very stable love type
-Storge: have a love based on friendship, primarily. people who pursue love with similar hobbies and values. partners who feel comfortable around each other. family and even friendly relationships have some elements of storge love. stable love type
-Ludus: treat love as if it’s a game. like to date a lot of people, commitment averse, drawn to the pursuit. like the wooing, and once the challenge is gone they lose interest.

Somewhere along the way I went from a combination of eros/storge (which is defined as Agape love: pure love, selfless love, putting partners neesd above their own in all situations) and fell into a hideous mess of Ludus. I fell deep, deep into that hole.

(other love styles, in case you’re interested:
Mania: love roller-coaster. really intense highs, really intense lows. try to maintain control in the relationship, and many times become obsessed in teh relationship and their partners. very mistrustful (as in they call their partner all the time). Combination of Storge & Ludus. insecure love style
Pragma: practical approach to love. tend to choose partners on teh basis of a preferred personality type. pick someone because they’re intelligent, successful, would make a good partner or parent. they are safe, analytical, and make a very calculated approach to love. very cautious. combination of Storge & Ludus.)

So, as I’m receiving all this information in my class, taking notes, I’m just trying to hide that fact that my mind is blown. The instructor then transitions into how these love styles translate to Attachment Styles in relationships. That is, how secure/preoccupied/dismissive/fearful persons communicates and functions. Put simply,

secure persons perspectives are “I’m okay, you’re okay.” are trusting people.
preoccupied: you’re okay, i’m not okay. seek approval from others.
dismissive: i’m okay, you’re not okay. i don’t need you in my life and i don’t want you.
fearful/avoidant: fear of rejection.

I couldn’t have put it better myself. “I’m okay, you’re not okay.” The sad thing is, this internalized perspective I have been carrying around isn’t just limited to romantic relationships, but all relationships I have. Somewhere, somehow I picked up this idea that I am better than the rest of the world and that everyone else has problems greater than my own, thus meaning I must be flawless. Of course I feel guilty for holding such a viewpoint. It’s something I am working on. Such thoughts aren’t something I consciously consider day to day, this mentality is just something that is embedded into my perspective of the universe.

So what am I going to do about changing it?

During the beginning of this semester I told myself that I would take a break from things distracting me from school, namely women. I approached this semester dropping the regular pre-game routine. You know the drill, new semester rolls around and you’re jazzed. You’re going to meet new people and maybe, just maybe, something will spark. You get a haircut, buy some new clothes, and get prepped.

Well this semester I did none of that. I intentionally refused to get a haircut, didn’t make any purchases, and dropped some of the excessive grooming habits I used to practice. In my classes I sit at the front, or try to sit in a seat where any attractive female is out of sight. And then I do whatever I can to suppress desires.

This of course doesn’t actually change my perspective on anything. It just puts the problem on pause for the time being. I’ve still got work to do.

On that note, my class is starting. Bye.